an attempt at something

Wk 1

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 17:18:01 GMT

Only one week later and Beijing feels so distant, both literally and figuratively. There's plenty not to miss in theory about the city, but the familiarity of my routine there, the sorts of people you see and interact with, the ways of interacting ... I miss it all. While it's nice to have birds chirping down a tree-lined street of rowhouses, free performances at the Kennedy Center each night, or easier access to cafes and bookstores in English, it sucks not being able to start up random conversations with people (and give them meaning); not being able to blend into the masses (SE DC is mostly, if not all, black; and in general, there are few Asians anywhere around town); not being able to talk in Chinese; the list could go on. I've been cooking a lot, which has helped with the transition. Because I cook the same way wherever I go, that helps Boston, Winter Park, Beijing, and DC have something in common.

Standards are different here, a point that hit me last week when I attended a brown bag conversation on discrimination in the shelter system. The speaker was describing how terrible it was for some shelters to subject guests to communal showers and bathrooms without doors, which was met by gasps of indignation in the audience. Not that I ever got my share of communal showers, but I sort of wanted to share how I peed in front of way too many people on a not-infrequent basis in Beijing. It's great that the US system is advanced to the point where we can be so concerned about personal privacy, but frankly, I don't think a lot of people realize how good they have it here.

Well, that was self-righteous, wasn't it? Didn't mean for it to come out that way.

As for meeting people around town, I went to a Shabbat dinner with my Jewish co-worker, where I met some folks in their Jewish service corps program. They were generally nice, friendly, and they made great food; but the likelihood of re-connecting on my own (or their) initiative is probably slim. There was a blonde from Berkeley, who was a bit trying to interact with -- we came across each other again yesterday by semi-chance after a documentary viewing on L.A. garment workers. Imagine her outside the theater: "O my god, that was like, the best movie ever; I like cried through the whole thing. Seeing them lead those lives, like, really makes me want to get involved and do something." This coming from a girl who delights in stalking her ex via the Philippines Craigslist during work. Then there was another girl who would shove her head into another's armpit while clutching her waist; or a very Jewish-looking guy who decided to play the "Do you know [insert person's name] at Harvard" game with me at length. When we discovered that one of my freshman entrywaymates was a mutual acquaintance, he proceeded to share how she fell to #3 her senior year after three years of being #1 in the class. And, he wondered whether E. still wears "those really short skirts? We were always like, wow" (not the good sort of WOW).

This will all take time. Ann tells me to be patient (in general). I recently came across Peter Hessler's _River Town_, which is a travel memoir of his two years teaching for the Peace Corps in Sichuan. I remember Shelley saying once how good books made her sad in knowing that they would end, and I feel very much that way about _RT_. It has, in addition to my cooking, been a good transition tool for me as of late.

I just get lost in nostalgia sometimes. Funny how things always seem better/less bad in retrospect.

back in the US of A

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:06:22 GMT

reached DC yesterday. turns out i'm not really housesitting anymore, as ann is no longer traveling to china this summer. yesterday we went to the jewish community center where she volunteers to hear a talk on radio and its role in society, where i promptly fell asleep. after visibly nodding off twice in the talk room (a cozy little one), i figured it'd be better if i removed myself to the couch outside where i could doze without majorly offending anyone.

turns out that the commute from where i'm living in NW DC is mad inconvenient to my worksite in the SE. think bus to subway to bus, and no parallel streets around the neighborhood! my poor sense of direction is going nuts, and i find myself wanting the neat ring structure of beijing, even if transportation there, too, is hairy. good thing i've been trained to withstand 1.5-2 hour commutes by now, and even better that the signs here are all in english. too bad we're back to a daily travel cost of 7USD. 7USD! that's several months of china bus money.

i was greeted this morning by the front page of the washington post, addressing the local educational systems (public) here. apparently, DC ranks amongst the highest-spending on education, but amongst the least efficient with its funds. i was surprised to read something so critical (i kept waiting for the positive turn that comes with most chinese paper articles, ie "we have x, y, z social problem but look at this uplifting situation/story/solution/etc") ... and also that this was happening in the US capital! how ironic. troubling, too.

am enjoying having easy access to a kitchen and ann's personal library. books everywhere! am starting barbara ehrenreich's nickel and dimed, which is written accessibly; i've always liked that about ethnography in general. rumor has it that DC is a hopping place for young folk. as i am currently somewhat in the suburbs and rather homey by nature, it'll be a conscious effort to put myself out there. but we'll see how things go, especially as work starts up and hopefully i get around to meeting new people.

it's a bit strange to be back in the US, though the changes are never quite as dramatic as i'd expect. but they are there nonetheless. this afternoon, i crossed a busy intersection before the "walk" signal came on, and the driver simply threw her hands up in exasperation behind the wheel and came to a stop. in beijing, her car bumper may have grazed my knee, and every nearby driver would have started honking madly as well. i felt much worse about cutting this woman off -- it's easier to feel blase/defensive when others are rude to you.

jewish community centers, tree-lined suburbia streets, buses with more empty space than riders, the washington monument en route to the reagan airport ... all these make beijing feel so far away. i haven't had the chance to write about beijing on LJ this past year, largely because i've been better about keeping a hard journal, but perhaps in time (and in procrastination) i'll post a few nuggets i've found particularly memorable.

hello!

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:40:23 GMT

Greetings from Beijing, where the smog is incredible and the streets are always dotted with people, bikes, and cars. I finally settled into a dorm room at Beijing Univ., and am gradually getting used to a much simpler (and communal) lifestyle. The bathrooms down the hall are really something, especially the squat toilets that are all over the city (squat ones outnumber Western ones probably 10:1), the water in the shower falls in a heavy arc out of a hoselike head, and it's best not to go barefoot, ever. The food is ridiculously good and cheap -- convenient, too, especially on campus. The queues are long, but people are so fast -- I've never seen so many people scarf food so quickly (what's the rush? It's only school, ha!), and the rapid clicking of steel chopsticks against the rim of plastic bowls is initially subtle but impossible to ignore upon noticing it.

I am beginning to find my way around the city, and I finally saw the organization where I'm signed up to work. Seems like they may end up being a central hub nominally, and in actuality they may end up referring me to do more direct work with affiliated migrant organizations. There are three other interns, one of whom is so intensely competitive already, which is strange since I'm not sure what we're supposed to be competing about. I thought I left these kinds of people behind at Harvard, but apparently they come in all sorts of breeds and travel globally.

Anyhow, this will all take time to absorb. I'm just frustrated sometimes because I can't get things done as efficiently as I'd like -- especially when trying to navigate the nightmare-ish temporary residence application procedure and other such bloody paperwork involved.

tomorrow!

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 17:20:22 GMT

i am leaving for beijing tomorrow! in the meantime, i've been watching re-runs of dawson's creek (joey and pacey forever); it's definitely time for me to leave the country.

august ends.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 05:03:32 GMT

i've been living in denial for the past few months, but college is over. my id card no longer lets me into lamont. in a few hours, i will hand over my key to jorge and he will drive me to allston, where i'll be for september. even though i'll be back in the square periodically over the next few weeks, it won't be the same -- i won't be turning onto plympton st, or swiping into randolph, westmorely, or these other buildings that have become so familiar to me. give me a few more weeks after that, and i know i will miss the bustle of the square .. the mechanical chirping that indicates when it's safe to cross toward the coop or out of town news, the mandolin player who sounds terrible (is he blind? i never figured it out), the chinese paper-cutter woman, the man who sells indigenous-looking instruments, the spare change men whose newspapers i have yet to purchase. and how that bustle settles by 11p to the occasional whoosh of the passing car.

this summer has been tough unexpectedly. the roaches in lowell were thoroughly upsetting, though they made for good bonding experiences when my sister visited (oh, the instant comaraderie that happens when you need to get rid of the gross but can't bring yourself to smush it .. windex ended up being our choice of weapon -- more effective than it sounds! and better than having insect guts lodged in the soles of my shoes) .. the frustration that there was house-wide recognition of the problem but no action taken .. but mostly, it's been tough because everything's felt so dry -- people i've deeply cared to see have been few, and studying has been hard. at times, it is easy to lose sight of what it's all toward .. that it's of course about wanting to work with people and to understand their lives, and not about the prestige, the security, the need to "win" at this game harvard teaches students to play.

this upcoming year will be good for me, i think, in a lot of ways. it'll be nice to be doing something different in a new place with new people (i was on the T recently and realized that i probably won't see such diversity for a while after september -- to be surrounded with people who sort of look like you, huh). for now, there's this nebulous force of energy that i can't possibly understand until i try the whole immersion thing. ehh in some ways i'm trying not to build up expectations because whenever i do so (which is alas, often), the outcome always feels so anti-climactic.

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 04:36:16 GMT

my essay class has been consuming my emotional life lately. i haven't been used to drawing upon myself for material to probe -- this digging has been uncomfortable, embarrassing, painful, and oddly enough, cathartic. there's a really interesting relationship between writing and talking about my subject matter. by talking about x, i find that x is/can be fascinating to others in a more-than-voyeuristic way; it helps affirm that while it puts me under a rather awkward (perhaps ugly) light, there's something surprisingly human about it all that somehow redeems, or at least makes worth writing about.

i wonder at times what it must be like to be sven -- to be reading these bits and pieces of our lives that are in many ways so intensely personal; to get to know others through their writing rather than through conventional direct interaction. (or does one really? there are always the authors you think you really want to meet because you love them through their writing. but then you meet them and they're absolute assholes). class has felt like group therapy ... i secretly (not so secretly, anymore) suspect he's a freudian.

2005 closes

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 20:48:41 GMT

home is always bound up in the comfort and frustrations of routine, and the past that bleeds into the present. i have mixed feelings about being home - it means not tackling work; indulging in nostalgia; realizing that some friends have changed a lot, but perhaps these changes aren't so unexpected; seeing my sister go through the frustrations of strict parents that i experienced, but for her, more intensely; being saddened by people's inability to connect with each other beyond a material level . . .

every year, my former math teacher organizes an IB get-together, and it's always interesting to go - not because this annual event allows us to really catch up with each other (mingling events pain me), but because in a superficial way, it's intriguing to see what people are up to. a few things noted: 1) how we still associate people with qualities or activities that defined them in HS, how hard it is to NOT associate them with former traits because we haven't kept up with them; 2) how it is so easy to define people by what they do, what tangible markers of success they've acquired, rather than defining people by WHY they do what they do. the latter particularly fascinates me, because in order to get at what motivates others' actions, we have to invest time in them. frankly, though, i didn't come across many whom i wanted to probe further. i hate making empty promises of "let's get together," but found myself quipping them to a few, despite a vaguely gnawing sense of apathy.

i came across this guy that i used to see in HS. it was so odd - i didn't expect to feel uncomfortable, but it was tinglingly so, maybe because we haven't really talked for some five years. it's easy in hindsight to dismiss the feelings i had for him (one of those "oh, we didn't know what we were doing; we were so young"), but i do think that age/time doesn't make former feelings any less legitimate. i can't help but think that the realness of what i felt for him some time back made seeing him last week pleasant. i exchanged many casual words with a boatload of former classmates, but the few that i had with him were nice - really - in a way that i cared about our brief conversation that i didn't necessarily for others.

winter break is so weird. i'm going back to school early on the 29th. i am potentially spending new year's with mac (not sure what the context will be); then the usual hoopla picks up again all too soon.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 00:28:15 GMT

I love that people can be so good to each other.
It has been a long past few weeks. Terrified of the unknown, but learning to face it; have been deeply moved by people's immense generosity and selflessness.

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 23:36:32 GMT

this is a totally superficial entry.
and not to objectify the male race,
but this boy in my class is so
tan tall long legs great hair rugged cut jock
and he's working at an orphanage next year.
wow!

haha aww

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 02:48:13 GMT

This is one of the gems of my day, which in all was quite lovely. A note from one of my IEL students:

Dear Andrea C. Yang

Thanks for your e-mail.
I am happy to be a student of Harvard Summer School,
and happier to be a member of Adams House F entry.
And I think it is the happiest thing that you are our proctor.

Summer days fly by.

Mon, 30 May 2005 04:01:57 GMT

i've been home since last friday, and leave tuesday. the time i spend at home keeps shortening. today i asked my mom when she was planning to go back to taiwan and visit her family again, and she suggested perhaps next year. not this summer, since even with my sister at camp, my brother is still around the house and needs conversation and meals; not this winter for some reason that i've forgotten; maybe next summer. she hasn't been back since 2000 or so, and then i started thinking that maybe i'm gradually doing the same thing: my time at home gets shorter each year - when does it get to the point at which i come home every half decade? that seems really extreme! i do realize i'm just a 3-hr plane ride away, rather than a day-long one across the ocean; that i don't have four people to take care of daily ... but what if things really drift apart, inevitably? woolf was onto something.

what frightens me is that sometimes (often) i forget to attempt to reinforce ties, to bring things and people together. i received a birthday card from my parents asking me to call home more often - not even extended ph calls, only that they hear my voice and sense how i'm doing, which made me feel incredibly guilty! i DO want them to know how i'm doing, though at times i wonder how much they can truly empathize. (this is a result of spending time with Max this past semester. he's convinced that empathy is ultimately impossible ... a thought that saddens me. he saddens me.) i assume that my parents can't understand the pains of constructing arguments; i am quick to dismiss my mom's attempt to understand better what i do at unilu and how i feel consequently; or she'll ask how so-and-so is doing, even though i haven't talked to so-and-so in about a year, etc. then i realize that maybe it seems like she can't *possibly* understand, or asks the wrong q's, because i haven't shared very much with her recently! and has become distanced because at the moment, it's quicker, more convenient to dismiss her q's. i don't know if empathy is possible. if impossible, do we label the attempt toward it as futile, and just let it go? or do we try to bridge it all the more so that the attempt at empathy at least brings us closer, even if we can't fuse completely? the latter seems more redemptive.

it's quicker, easier to do what's more convenient at the moment. what doubly frightens me is that i find myself gradually, subtly (or maybe not so subtly), increasingly mechanical, more perfunctory in my actions. i semi-shocked myself by asking how someone was doing the other day, and not really absorbing their response. what was more appalling was that i think, if i remember correctly, i even turned away before they finished answering. oh my goodness, dangerous. i have spent so much of this school year doing, doing, doing, and haven't thought enough about the impact that each interaction i have with someone makes, on me and the other person. agh.

i was thumbing through a few journals i've kept from high school, and it's painful to go through half of them, simply because i was awful! to make myself feel better, to make myself feel cooler, i remember ripping on so many people with Barby. i always wryly smile when i read entries on why so-and-so is my "best friend" because we have "so many things in common"; our commonalities were that we both have immigrant parents and like designer clothing. (BLUSH!) i like to think the superficiality has changed, but for a moment, i did wonder if i'm just better at covering it up now. for the lighter half of the entries, there are a lot on boys, spasms of anticipation and effusive appreciation, many awkward moments that i'd forgotten. funny, since i'm still pretty good at making things awkward!

more awkward delights will likely surface. i'll be cringing, and then likely musing over how silly i was some time down the road (read: two, three months later), and pretending at that point that i am SO much more poised, enlightened, just plain COOLER than i used to be. aspirations!

bored.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 19:31:08 GMT

haha. i swear i'm not advertising.

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about her appearance.

Your date match profile:

Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Big-Hearted
3. Stylish
4. Wealthy/Ambitious
5. Adventurous
6. Practical
7. Religious
8. Sensual
9. Romantic
10. Outgoing

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Practical
2. Big-Hearted
3. Adventurous
4. Outgoing
5. Religious
6. Stylish
7. Conservative
8. Intellectual
9. Traditional
10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 04:28:10 GMT

My flight home was cancelled today =( Twice, because of this silly 2-ft+ snow.
Hopefully it'll take off smoothly tomorrow.

BUT
I went sledding down the steps of Widener. Wooooo with dining hall trays.

Happy (belated) New Year!

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 01:23:47 GMT

Wow, I am the queen of updates. Apologies! (not).

Break has flown by ... spent most of it peddling music to tourists at Sea World, and finished the last round tonight. Relieved. You know you're unfocused when your bow is still moving and everyone else has stopped. Ahaha.

Let's see. Went to Sea World yesterday. I'd almost forgotten how much I like water rides; I haven't screamed so much for a long time =) Although I admit I wasn't stoked at the beginning: something about the stale chlorine smell of the water (which looks rather gray than clear) is iffy. And the setups within the ride - I'd forgotten how plastic or digital they look. And the sense that not much fresh air gets into the ride kinda grosses me out. But when the cart drops down those steep slopes, or crashes left-right-up-down in darkness, and I realize that I'm screaming gleefully, I guess none of that really matters. =)

I am mildly jealous of a twelve-year old girl. I'm rather embarrassed about it, because I tell myself that she doesn't really sing all That well, and that she and her mother look really fake. But when she belts out a climactic moment to "When You Believe," I feel goosebumps under my jacket, recalling that I could barely speak in front of a crowd when I was twelve - let alone sing - and that she is pretty darn beautiful, even if in a generic way.

It feels funny writing an entry online. I left my journal at school, and it's notable how I feel myself censoring what I write here. It might even be quicker writing an entry on paper than typing my thoughts, simply because I find that with paper and pen, I don't restrain myself nearly as much. I don't worry whether I sound moronic or not; if my grammar is bad; if I give someone too much voyeuristic delight; or reveal that I am really, just vain at heart.

See, I've edited this entry three times already.

=)

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 03:27:26 GMT

i heart paul hamm.

Done!

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 04:02:00 GMT

HARMONY, the Family Program, and Writing Center are all officially done. Summer in Cambridge has come to an end, a sad fact even more pronounced now that my roommates are gone. Which means that I have complete license to

*jump on all the beds
*sleep naked

Uh, that's about it.

I have flushed two wedges of tofu down the toilet (not so smart a move), and now the toilet is gurgling.

Have been doing isolations for part of tonight to our freeze dance CD. Frances and Jae would be so proud.

More to come soon. The early bird gets the flight home tomorrow.

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 01:45:36 GMT

you are what you love, not what loves you.

CYEP

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 17:28:31 GMT

CYEP kids at the Haggerty School are the greatest, hands down.
Our lesson plan went ridiculously well this morning: the kids were surprisingly into identifying instruments, quick and accurate at recall. Alice and I played Bach Double this morning for them, mentioning ONCE this dude named Bach; two hours later, they remembered the composer's name! Hurrah! I've never had such an attentive group so far .. today was teaching in the Ideal World. There was no "I hate music," "Why aren't we listening to music from that movie with that nasty green woman?," etc. Showing them and teaching them parts of the violin also went over well - interest + recall = Andrea Happy.

They were SO Good!
It makes me wonder what we do right, what works, and what doesn't. We have the same lesson plans for all sites, but the responses are so varied! BRYE gives the blank stares (ok, go ESL), MHSP ehh depends on the age group; those who groan about our lessons are the ones who need it most (or do they? those who don't gripe could be just as clueless about instruments?), but it's very frustrating to teach to students who don't want to learn. It's almost too easy to just let it all go, say "fuck it," and leave after half an hour.

But when they hug you afterwards and pull you by the hand because they have questions (mostly relevant), gaze upward at you in concentration and interest because You As Teacher Are Fascinating and All-Knowing .. it's great, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Ah, cheese!

stupid

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 05:32:59 GMT

Tonight was a night of Andrea-isms, and fate.

JenH has these movie vouchers for Loews, so the plan was to use them up tonight on Saved! .. Jon and I headed on over to Kendall, entered the theatre, and promptly slammed our vouchers onto the ticket counter. "Saved!, we'd like!" The guy looks at us and tells us that the movie only plays at 4:25p. It was 9:45p at the time.

1. Andrea looked up times for the Weekend.

We sit on some stairs, trying to figure out what to watch, call Eugenie to tell her what the new situation is, decide that the movie with Kevin Kline and Ashley Judd looks appealing (ie time works, 9:55p). We're all ready to slam our vouchers on the counter again, until J realizes that we are in a LANDMARKS THEATRE, not a LOEWS!

2. D'oh! Our vouchers, whether we slam them or not, are NOT LEGIT.

What to do? We return to the counter; I intend to call the Loews in H. Sq, and ask for the phone book.

3. I search under "MOVIE" in the white pages. The WHITE pages!

For some reason I cannot fathom, it's nowhere to be found. We eventually find the number in the newspaper, and

4. I actually dial the theatre's number to ask about shows and times, only to realize mid-ring that everything is spelled out for me just under the number. Sigh.

We end up at the H. Sq theatre, where we cannot slam our vouchers because it's one of those tricky slide-your-money-under-the-plastic-pane things, and the woman pulls off the FREE POPCORN stub, and

5. I leave without the movie TICKET! Mind you, however, that I DO have my popcorn voucher. Yeah vouchers.

That's about it for the Believe-it-or-NOT's. I am ambivalent about Michael Moore's movie, although I found the Orwell quote particularly striking .. a quick paraphrase that the elite will strive to maintain status quo, the social hierarchy as it currently exists, only at the expense of the lower tiers. Interesting.

Oh, yes, and I had mentioned earlier the role of FATE in tonight's shenanigans. Tonight was a Youssef night! We ran into Andrew Youssef en route to Kendall; coming back to Harvard, at the Kendall station, we saw ODETTE Youssef on the Ashmont train passing by! And THEN in the movie, the name "Youssef" flashed on the screen. Whoa!

Is this what people call kismet?

little things matter

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 21:53:15 GMT

i just wanted to note a few little things that made me happy yesterday, just so that i am not constantly complaining in these entries:

* better feedback on the 2nd real teachback, even though i was about to pee in my pants before i went, bc i wasn't sure what section colin wanted me to present
* cooking in my makeshift - ie ghetto - kitchen in the bathroom (only room w/o a smoke detector); using my little stove on a ceramic white tile
* having this totally arbitrary yet completely pleasant conversation with a stranger on the T on the way home from kaplan - she was w/her husband, coming back from north end; apparently, we were on the same green line around 5:30 that prematurely dumped everyone at gov't center; little stupid things in common. and by "little stupid" i mean from the same state and whereabouts. haha.
* some person gave up his seat for me on the T! i haven't seen that happen to other people (let alone me) for a really long time. it almost restores my faith in the male race.

so we can conclude that the T is actually a friendlier place than it initially appears (although, note to self: Woman was not from MA)

little points that amused me:
* my mom telling me to go shopping and start dressing like a lady (do i dress man-like? just bc i like to use my creepy man voice every so often does not affect my dress ...)
* jae being shady as usual and sneaking up on me and frances as we walked to do half-ass PBH training, carrying on as if there was nothing unusual

eloquent prose is overrated. ie i am just lazy.

hm.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 23:27:02 GMT

hi.
i have not posted for A Long Time.
here i am.
i found this from a 2/3/04 post:

"I am also wondering if this [school] has rendered me totally asexual. I'm serious about this."

haha.
yes.

and the response that followed:
"ah andrea! ... i hope for your own sake you are not becoming asexual, poor harvardian soul. the andrea i knew was definitely not."

---
i have had so much time to while away these past few days. the weekend at home was lovely- my mother is her usual gabby self, my dad the straightfwd talker (hello, awkward conversation topics), catherine the great (as i heard someone call her), my brother the proudly pesky ("am i annoying you yet? i am annoying! i am annoying!")- and fab food. it's funny, though. when we eat out at home, i don't want to do the chinese thing- simply bc it can't compare to my mom's; it's either too greasy or just ... no, it's just not my mom's.

watched a bunch of shakespeare on the screen (a bunch, ie 2) bc i am a nerd, and bc i like rupert everett in a midsummer night's dream (ps, does michelle pfeiffer NOT age? she looks exactly the same in recent pics as she did 15, 20 years ago?! hello cosmetic surgery). really crucial part, though, that i felt the movie folk left out in othello (oliver parker): desdemona does not take blame for her own murder in the movie as she does in act 5; what??

oh, and kenneth branaugh totally reminds me of michael stern, the latter over whom i swooned during NOI '02. it's that fiery temperament, that arrogance-
i think it's how the two qualities just scream out "CONFIDENCE," which i lack myself, so seek to compensate by seeking it in others??

lack o' confidence is probably a good way of describing this past semester. i think the most notable thing i've learned this semester is how to ask q's- or rather, what might be Good q's to ask?- so that's the first part, i guess, to forming interesting thoughts; i still need to work on answering those pesky q's i raise, though.

anyhow. getting excited about summer. perks, i think, will include:
being touristy with the international people
cooking w/yiwey (or rather, my learning how to)
feeding canadian geese canadian bread
hro/canada (well, the music, anyway. the general people, we'll see)
oh, and summer sales

practiced this morning for the first time in a really long time. my fingers don't feel Quite so swollen, anymore. last night was our first rehearsal for tour- honestly, for some bizarre reason, i was really surprised that i could still read music. even bigger surprise when my left fingers started dancing on the fingerboard. biggest awesome moment was messing up and guffawing when my stand partner messed up, too. YES.

okeedoke,
off for now.
=)

Just for the record,

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 05:13:35 GMT

my tutorial prof is *WAY* cool.
Great dinner tonight with her. Who would have thought I'd be discussing this month's Marie Claire with her?? Oh yes. That and Nicole Kidman, et al.

Also really great about today:
in 10a we were discussing John Donne's "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" - so the compass metaphor/imagery in the end? The man and woman are joined in spirit (i.e. the top of the compass), though they may be in different earthly places (the two points of the compass) ...
NWatson did not make it quite so romantic, though, by pointing out all the discrepancies (i.e. how can the Woman grow erect if she is the leg of the compass that must stand firm?) True, true ...
Dull sublunary love, indeed.

HRO went to Dr. Y's house after rehearsal tonight, and we listened to the recording of our first concert. Only stayed for Shosty5, partly because we wanted to end it all on a good note (pun intended; also, Beethoven sucked ass). What a cute home, though! And the guacamole? Mmm ...

Life is GOOD. Lots of reading for tomorrow, but hey ... who can complain when it's about pedophilia??
Oh. and also ass-justice. Haha.

O!

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 07:13:06 GMT

O Tom, how I miss thee.
You never asked if I needed you to define "catharsis." I was point A and you B. A line! Connection!
Perhaps I should define "nostalgia" for you, Elf Man!

Ohhh damn. Chaucer is Not Sexy. The Pardoner, however ...

Agh. Frustrating

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 03:36:57 GMT

is when professors do not return your emails.
As if their time were Too Precious to send you a quickie, saying that indeed, Friday was a bad time to meet at 2:30p.
Nooo, that would clearly be too much Effort.
Also, sidenote:
if You are Not into HRO, that is A-OK.
A polite declining acknowledgment would Truly be Appreciated! I hate the non-responses. And I Know you've checked your Email. Wow, that last comment sounded uber-stalkerish. Haha.

back

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 01:05:15 GMT

Flew back in today. Taxi driver drove the long route. Grr.

Post from a few days back:
5 September 2003

I’m flying back next Tuesday – four more days at home:
• Where I see my mother working 24/7 being a mom, a secretary, an inventory taker/stocker, a seamstress, etc. She is seriously Wonderwoman. I don’t know how she does it; I’m tired after two hours of activity (by activity, I mean checking my email) and need a nap.
• Where my sister is grumpy for much of the time I see her outside of school. Teenage hormones, sure, but I attribute it to plain ol’ surliness toward family.
• Where my brother follows me around. I change rooms, and he follows with a Harry Potter in hand. And for the most part, I don’t mind. To an extent, I feel bad that I haven’t spent as much time with him in the past as I should have; high school was a time of work and hardcore music, and the remainder of the time I spent irritated with people. So it’s okay that he acts like a gen pi con. We review for his spelling and science tests the night before. They learn so much in elementary school now! He was quoting something about mitosis and meiosis yesterday. While the words “mitosis” and “meiosis” are no more than mere terms to commit to short-term memory for him, I certainly never came across any of this cell division stuff until ninth grade!
• And Ba is the same; he still has the same habits which my mum constantly nags. By same, I don’t regard as a pillar of solidarity or strength; rather, as the traits of someone whose slovenly habits and reserved personality I have come to accept, just because he is my father – it’s all about the familial obligation. Sometimes I’ll do things that make my mother exclaim that I am just like my father, and more than often, she means it negatively. I find myself defending him when she starts nagging him badly, trying to make light of the situation. Lazy becomes easygoing.
• My mum dropped off some pianist accompaniment at a church yesterday; at the church, I picked up a copy of How to Make Your Marriage More Loving for her. I told her to give it to Dad when she was done reading. I wonder if she’ll read it at all.

Would you be friends with your siblings, parents, etc. were if not for that they are related to you by blood? Were I to encounter my sister, for example, at school or wherever … would I be friends with her?
I don’t know.
I asked my mum this question in regards to her relationship with her sister. She said it was a weird question.
It is, and to an extent, not worth much further thought. After all, it is not as if we can go back in time and change circumstances; rather, we should take the present and mold what we have. It is just one of those what ifs.

A lot of what ifs lately:
1. If I were to be rooming with Eugenie or Annie this upcoming year – how much of our relationships would have changed, and how so?
I’m a bit nervous about rooming with MV. The nervousness stems from the uncertain; how seriously do I take the comments about her being a Communist? A few months ago, she totally intimidated me when she loudly declared that, “Hell NO, am I paying two dollars for boxes from UC!” True, after she bitched about how the homeless live in these packing boxes, I went to a sporting goods store and found boxes, skipping the UC when packing at the end of the year.
2. What if switching concentrations was a stupid decision? What if I don’t have what it takes to do English? I was cleaning out my drive today, and came across my Expos essays. The last two are pretty damn hot, and I’m wondering exactly how I pulled those off. The fourth essay I attribute to Mooney in Mower B at 3am in the basement; the rest to Tom. How many preceptors will make the time for constant conferences, when the material discussed does not necessarily benefit them directly? Tom Jehn. Sigh. He is the essence of Expos.
To an extent, I don’t think I would have stuck with psych to the end. Doing well on the AP Psych test means very little; it is no indicator whatsoever of performance in further psychology pursuits. Barby commented a few weeks ago, “I think psychology is one of those subjects everyone finds interesting to some extent.” Totally.
And besides, I don’t think I could face Carey the TF if he ended up being my concentration advisor – especially after I said “fuck” after class one day, and started a wave of weird vibes.
I have this totally awesome tendency to screw up relationships the moment I realize I am attracted romantically. I just start saying weird things that just mess with female-male frequencies. Maybe this year will be better.
Summer 2003 was okay. Being lazy was a good change from the pressure-cooker world that is Harvard, but I wish I’d been more productive doing something more personally edifying. While I think the Duke TIP program is certainly worthwhile, it is much more so for the kids than staff, especially if you work the residential side. You do get the chance to have fun with the kids, but more often than not, they are irritating and even pettier than I; working residential life also means handling all the excess energy kids have bottled throughout a day of class, not to mention all the free time during the day! What makes very little sense is that TIP restricts staff from doing anything non-related to TIP – so one cannot take summer courses, work jobs non-related to kids, etcetera.
Working retail after TIP was fun for the first two days, but after that, not so much: too much standing, folding, artificially greeting customers. Retail is bull.
And perhaps that this summer was simply not overly fabulous was the void of music. Thinking back, my best summers have all involved lots of music. Interlochen rocks, and NOI comes in a close second. Perhaps it’s because I know that I do not regard music professionally (because I am lazy, and also, I would be eventually poor because I would only make shitty orchestras); thus when I go to these camps in which everyone else is striving for the music Ivy League, I can take it easy and enjoy the experience for what it is. So perhaps if I take it easy with school, I’ll enjoy it more.
But I don’t think that line of logic holds up for academia. If I take it easy with school, I generate crap, which leaves me irritated. I enjoy school when I do well as a result of busting my butt.
And perhaps the busting butt does apply to the music camp shindig. Perhaps because the few weeks before camp always consist of intense practicing for auditions, and that so far I have been lucky in that auditions have gone well during the summers, that the rest of camp is really the riding out the merits of effort. It just seems that such riding out in academia doesn’t seem to last that long, because there is always more shit to do. Eh, I’m sure it’s the same with any field. Perhaps if I were a music major and went to academic camps during the summer, I’d think academia was sex with Orlando Bloom.
Nutshell: am glad to be going back to school; I just hope it starts out at pace 3 and gradually rides up to 8, as opposed to full-out 10 from the start. It’ll probably be the latter case. But I am ready to do some learning again, and seeing familiar and new faces.